Started the Drugs

I started the Prometrium yesterday to trigger a period. This should take about 10 days. Cross fingers, then days 2-6 of the period Clomid to trigger ovulation. I am cautiously optimistic. There are no guarantees in life and we don't always get what we want, but I will hope. Hope peacefully and without ego.

Clomid and Dead Babies

I will be embarking on the Clomid freeway very soon. I have been very resistant to fertility treatment. Two reasons: I have always felt that things should come naturally and not be forced. This may be because anytime I have ever forced anything in my life..it never worked. Another reason is I had a friend lose a baby after conceiving on Clomid. Now the rational part of me says the two are not connected in any way, but there is this other part of me that just feels like I would be tempting fate. I think when you are around the grieving too long it starts to have an effect on the spirit. I have seen her pain, not the full depth, but pretty close. I'll be honest, it scares the shit out of me. I don't ever want to experience that kind of loss. I know I could not handle it. I just couldn't.
I'm finding that I need to banish thoughts of baby loss at all angles. I need to think positive. I need to.

Secondary Infertility- Bah!!!

It’s another one of “those” days. It started with a co-worker telling me she may be pregnant. Granted I am happy for her, but the other side of me felt profound sadness that I have not gotten pregnant yet. Yes I do have one child, but I really want another – Selfish twat that I am. It got me thinking, you know Secondary infertility hurts pretty bad. I couldn’t sum up my own thoughts, but this lady describes my plight and other’s so well. It does hurt and it does suck. I want my little girl to have a sibling – desperately. I hate PCOS!!!!!

No Vice

I'm just despondent. Ever since I have embarked on this mission to kill PCOS I've found myself feeling very sad. I've effectively had to divorce myself from food. Or more specifically a nice handy list of items such as:

• Anything with white flour
• The obvious carbs (White bread, rice, potatoes, cake cookies - basically anything tasty)
• Alcohol (this one I can have once in a blue moon)
• Pop (not even the diet kind)
• Reduced dairy (as in the words of my doc"cheese" is useless and crappy source of protein cause you get mostly fat- fuck off)

You get the picture...and saying "Oh you can a have a little" well no!! no I can't. With PCOS you have a little and you want more, because of how sensitive we are to insulin increases. And insulin makes you want to eat crap.

I've discovered food is not my friend, it does not love me and will not provide a source of comfort. Food is pretty much enemy number one (well the food I cannot eat) and I'm sad that I've lost my friend, but this friend really needs to fuck off and die. Food is for survival and not for pleasure. As extreme as this sounds it's the only thing that will work. I have to create a new relationship with food and not one where food is holding all the cards.

I have no vices left....or maybe no more crutches, or nothing left to hide behind..this makes me sad, very sad indeed.

The Chiral People Emailed Me

This is the email I got, interesting...I found #5 of particular interest, because it corroborates a story from someone I know that was part of the ins1 drug trial. the downfall it does the same thing as Metformin, but maybe without all the nasty gastrointestinal complaints. The jury is out on this:

Hi Ms. xxxxx,

1. Yes. I like to remind potential customers that DCI is a human metabolite, something that the body naturally makes. In fact, in studies with Metformin, insulin sensitivity directly correlates with successful pregnancy, suggesting that DCI might possibly be beneficial during pregnancy as well.

2. Weight loss hasn't been studied per se. But, you can follow links to the two original studies on our website in the FAQ. It does lower blood sugar and insulin levels and should facilitate weight loss assuming other factors are present - like net calorie deficit.

3. Met appears to stimulate the body to release a DCI-IPG second messenger in response to insulin - in other words it forces your body to respond to insulin. DCI increases the amount of that same DCI-IPG second messenger available - in other words it allows your insulin to work as it normally should. These are complementary effects and many of our customers take both.

4. You can follow a link in our FAQ to read what some customers have said about our product on the soulcysters discussion board. Sadly, the FDA prevents us from providing testimonials directly.

5. Insmed tried for years to backdoor a patent on DCI and pulled the plug when they realized their use patent and production patent wouldn't guarantee exclusive rights to sale. It was a purely financial decision. Insmed never actually reported the results (which were contradictory to two preliminary studies), because it was easier than admitting they'd tried to patent a human metabolite (DCI - which is all "INS-1" was, just pure DCI) to treat its deficiency syndrome (PCOS/insulin resistance) and failed - because that would be like renaming vitamin C "INS-4," or something equally ridiculous, and patenting it to treat scurvy.

Sincerely,

Travis H Johnson
VP Chiral Balance LLC
MA Biochemistry

Hope

I got my period yaaaayyyyyy, after all my bitching and moaning yesterday and some inspiration from this lady. I was at the bottom there yesterday and with just one video made me see some light. Thank you whoever you are.

Bad PCOS day

A bad PCOS day is when you are forced to confront the bastard that is this condition. It was a super bad day for me. I cried at work several times. I really want to get pregnant and I'm not getting my period. The metformin, low carb diet and 5 days/week excersize is apparently not good enough for my body to drop an egg. Yes I already have one child, so if I hear "You should be happy with your one" I will blow a fit.

I'm forced to face the fact that I may not have another one. Fortuntely or unfortunately the first one came easy....the fates are messing with me...and I'm pissed

I'm doing some research into Chiral Balance and Insulite Laboratories. No I am not promoting them...just trying gage how effective they are. So far noresponse from the Chiral people, but its only been a day.

Sigh, I hope tomorrow is better...I hate this condition.

I hate not being able to snack

I am having a brutal time not being able to snack after dinner....I have become a nasty, cranky bitch...decarbing is pissing me off completely -I may start to cry soon!!!

Breaking the Seal

I am now officially deflowering this website. whoohoo.
I am a little angry about the topic. Partly because of the topic and partially because I have failed in my quest thus far.

I always said I would never do a blog about PCOS, but I am getting to the point where I really need to. Mainly for therapy reasons. Not a lot of people understand PCOS and many doctors don't give a shit about it. Most Endocrinologists only treat with the intent of getting you pregnant. Umm there's more to it then that you narrow-minded boobs.

I never managed to lose enough weight to normalize my periods to pre-20 year old levels and it pisses me off. I want to kill this "Condition" I am determined. I have started with 1/2 hour of excersize every day and will attempt to get it to two hours and a Low GI diet. We shall see if I can lose weight...we shall see.